If 2016 taught us anything - and I like to think that it did - it's that literally anything can happen. Maybe the prevailing message of the Year That Shall Not Be Named was that you can't predict a goddang thang. First came Brexit (sobbing), then came the US election (ugly crying) and then came... the resurgence of Von Dutch (inconsolable). Yup, unthinkable things happened last year and so few of us were prepared. (Are we anymore prepared now? IDK. I'm tired. So tired. How is it only February? I feel so weak. I digress.)
With that in mind, I'm here to arm you. Arm you with what exactly? Knowledge, my friends. For knowledge is power. You see I've realised something - something so blindingly obvious that, naturally, it took me a solid 10 years to see it - fashion is, despite everything literally anyone ever tells you, PREDICTABLE! Dad caps, chokers, fishnets, Juicy Couture trackies, butterfly hair clips, the aforementioned Von Dutch and their Kylie Jenner-endorsed trucker caps; these things, we foolishly thought, were dead and gone. Relics of the aughts. Buried deeply in Facebook albums of yesteryear. Haunting us only via the medium of Time Hop. But no. They're back. They're everywhere. They're... trendy. The moral of the story: what goes around comes around, so why not just wear everything now? I mean it. All the garb you deem unfit for the outside world is guaranteed* to feature in a Vetements collection sometime soon, so GET AHEAD OF THE GAME! (*Not guaranteed. Just, like, really likely.) Here are some gentle suggestions to get you started...
Butterfly crop tops
You last wore one to your school disco, decked out in butterfly hair clips, shockingly blue eyeshadow and a denim mini skirt. You looked bomb then, just imagine how bomb you're going to look NOW. Case closed.
Hours spent mercilessly, and relentlessly, mocking Britney and Justin for their coordinating denim ensembles was, undoubtedly, time well spent. But I think it would be remiss of me not to tell you that Bella Hadid was, very recently, spotted at a fancy bash in a Britney-esque denim maxi. Bandeau and all. JUST SAYIN'.
Bigger-than-your-head belts are long overdue a comeback. Last seen slung around the enviable waist of a then-20-year-old Beyoncé Knowles (you do the math - I'm too tired to), it's high-time this hot ticket accoutrement made a return to the wardrobes of today.
Just throw the rulebook out the window and start bookmarking throwback photos of Avril Lavigne. Better yet, keep your inspo strictly noughties and your methods purely 2k17 and PIN THOSE BAD BOYS! Make a private board! Make a public board! Let those suckers see how fashion forward you are! BRB, stocking up on safety pins.
I just pressed pause on a safety pin shop-up at Ryman's to tell you that your fast track to outfit excellence lays in the long forgotten get-ups of Popstars era Girls Aloud. Cowboy boots. Mini skirts-cum-belts. Corsets. Heavily bleached denim. Heavily bleached, badger-streak highlights. RUCHING. So. Much. Ruching. Essentially what I'm saying is this: ditch Vogue and let the Nicola Roberts of 2002 be your muse.
To quote GA: I'll stand by you (I'll staaand by youu), decked out in wide-leg skater trews and a highly flammable sateen corset.
Header image via ufv cascade