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  • Tracee Ellis Ross: Woman of the Year

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    Posted: December 03, 2017 Posted: December 03, 2017
    Tracee Ellis Ross: Woman of the Year

    | Tracee Ellis Ross talks about how to be Single, Sexuality and Self-Love in her speech.

    If you're single and don't have kids, Tracee Ellis Ross has a message for you with this incredible speech by the star at Glamour's 2017 Women of the Year Summit.

    "It’s really interesting to be a woman and to get to 45 and not be
    married and not have kids. Especially when you have just pushed out
    your fifth kid on TV. You start hearing crazy shit like: “Oh, you
    just haven’t found the right guy yet,” “What are you going to DO?”
    “Oh, you poor thing,” “why is someone like you still single,” “have you
    ever thought of having kids?” “why don’t you just have a kid on your
    own.” It’s never ending and not helpful.
    I grew up planning a wedding. My dress was going to be corseted with
    multiple antique Victorian camisoles spilling off my shoulders and I
    would change into a white double-breasted suit, wide leg trouser (with
    an exaggerated cuff) for the reception. I dreamed about being chosen
    by a powerful, sexy, kind man who had full lips and gave good hugs and
    having baby boy named Lauren.
    But…I also dreamed of winning an Oscar and being on the cover of
    magazines and making a difference in the world, helping women find our
    voices. And from that dreaming, I have built an incredible life. I
    have become a woman that I am proud to be."

    "And then someone tells me about their friend who adopted a child at 52
    and how “it’s never too late for your life to have meaning,” and
    my worth gets diminished as I am reminded that I have “failed” on the
    marriage and carriage counts. Me! This bold, liberated, independent
    woman. I mean, I work out, eat well, I mostly show up to work on time,
    I’m a good friend, a solid daughter, a hard worker, my credit is good,
    I take out the garbage before it gets smelly, I recycle, and I won a
    Golden Globe! I’m killing it! So, why? Why do I get snagged this way?
    As if all that I have done and who I am doesn’t matter.
    I look back and think about all the ways we’re told that those two
    goals: being chosen and having kids, are what makes you
    worthy. I mean: Nursery Rhymes. Fairytales. Books. Movies. Sixteen
    Candles, every love song, and even Black-ish—all reiterating this
    narrow story of “husband plus child equals woman”. And the
    patriarchy—the patriarchy is not pleased with me right now. I’m
    failing at my function. Let me tell you, Mike Pence is fucking
    confused by me right now."

    "Frankly, I often get a little confused. So, here is something I have
    done way more than I care to admit: Trying to gather the courage to
    tell my ex (whom I love by the way) that I want to date other people
    even though we were no longer together—we are broken up and have
    been! And during this last bout of doing just that, I did what
    enlightened ladies do and I got out my journal. I’m sitting there free
    writing, maybe conversing with my inner child, and I write down: MY
    LIFE IS MINE. My life is mine.
    Those words stopped me in my tracks and honestly brought so many tears to my eyes.
    so many tears to my eyes. Seems so obvious, but obviously it wasn’t.
    Because I have NOT been living my life as if it was my own.
    I mean to a certain extent yes but on a deep level no."

    "So, if my life is actually mine…then I have to really live it for
    myself. I have to put myself first and not be looking for permission
    to do so.
    But, when I put myself first, what comes back at me from well-meaning
    people—most men, social media, random ladies at the gym, Mike Pence,
    whoever—they tell me in all sorts of ways that I am being selfish,
    pushy, aggressive, controlling, relentless, stubborn, a slut, a nag,
    oh, and my favorite, a ball breaker, because god forbid a few balls
    get broken along the way.
    When we put ourselves first by doing things like saying no, speaking up,
    sleeping with who we want, eating what our bodies intuitively tell us to eat,
    wearing training bra’s instead of push up bras, posting a picture
    without using Facetune...we are condemned for thinking for ourselves and being ourselves,
    and being ourselves, for owning our experiences, our bodies, and our lives."

    "That kind of stuff is seen as threatening and scary and it’s certainly
    not what the patriarchy had in mind. Join me for a moment and
    imagine: What would it be like for women to completely own our own
    power, to have agency over our own glory and our sexuality, not in
    order to create a product or to sell it, or to feel worthy of love, or
    use it as a tool for safety, but instead as a WAY OF BEING? Imagine
    that…truly owning our own power, agency, and sexuality."

    "Especially at this moment, in all its volatility, with all that is happening as the “Pussy Grab” tree is being shaken and grabbers are dropping like rotten fruit. And at the same time, with the surge of empowerment: Black Lives Matter. Black Girl Magic! The Women’s March! Me Too!"

    "I am trying to gather all this energy around me, step into it, and"
    match it with my realization that my life is mine. My “I am the
    chooser, 45-year-old life” ...is MINE. It’s no coincidence that these
    two forces are meeting at the same time. So here I am sorting out what
    MY LIFE looks like when it’s fully mine. It takes a certain bravery to broken, having no one to focus on, fall into or hide behind, having to
    be my own support and having to stretch and find family love and
    connection outside of the traditional places. But, I want to do it. I
    want to be the Brave Me, the real me, the one whose life is my own.
    It means I'm going to have to break an agreement that I didn’t really
    officially agree to sign in the first place, a document drawn up by a
    bunch of old white guys in a back room, the same group of old white
    guys who like to pass laws about our reproductive health and choices
    without us being there. That agreement says: We are here to be of
    service to others, that our destiny is to live in the shadow of men,
    that we are simply objects of desire, and that we are willing to live
    with having our voices stifled again and again by the misogyny of our

    "Well listen here, ladies: I’m tearing it up. It’s going bye-bye and
    I’m drawing up a new one, and my terms are this: I am going to own my
    experiences. I'm going to pay attention to the reality of my life and
    the audacity of my dreams instead of the expectation I was raised
    with. I'm going to make space for the good and the bad of it, even
    the yucky scary fear-inducing parts, and embrace all the bits and all
    the questions. I know that’s how I go from being Tracee to being the
    Brave Tracee."

    "Here’s some good news: you too can go from being You, to being The
    Brave You. And you should definitely try it if you haven’t already!
    Because Brave You is so beautiful! Not beautiful like your hair all
    did, or your brows all clean. When I think of what is beautiful, I
    think of a tree; I think of seeing a bird soar. I think of an embodied
    woman; I think of my mom in her ‘this is me’ glory stance, arms up,
    heart open, hair big, sexual, powerful, and full of agency.
    Beings at the height of their own resonance, their own selfness. Fully in bloom."

    "That’s what bravery and beauty looks like. But most of all because
    The Brave Me reminds me that I am complete just as me. Not in relation
    to anyone or anything else, just wholly, fully me. The Brave You gives you the courage to hold your own agency, your own choice, your own desire, your own longings, your own fear, your own grief, your own future. She’s just one aspect of your soul that helps you become your fully embodied and completely integrated real, true self. She’s in you right now, in your journal, in the back of your mind, in your Netflix queue, waiting for your invitation. So let her out, let her have her glory. This beautiful, powerful part of you is just waiting for your invitation."

    Watch the speech below: