Adventures in Female Masturbation

Go fuck yourself. No seriously. It’s good for your health (yes seriously) it can reduce your risk of heart disease and diabetes type 2 (yes really) and knocking one (or, two or three, delete as aprop) is basically going to sort out some of that stress. Cheaper than a massage. And a lot more fun.

Like all great first masturbation stories, mine was as clumsy and unsexy as they come (heh.) I had no idea what I was doing (the art of fucking yourself was not widely discussed among my peers and this WAS the era of dial up) – all I knew is that it felt fucking great and I wanted to do it all the god damn time. I was curious, horny and probably a little bit manic. So….a teenager. COOL. Of course, because teenage girls were the worst, the idea of getting yourself off was a topic of ridicule. €œI bet you shove that shampoo bottle up your fanny, you pervert.€ I mean, not that this particular anecdote traumatised me or anything (the blood rushing to my face, the sense of shame and guilt 15 years later) but jokes on her, because I ended up having a god damn blast!

Thankfully what you do in the dark with your fanny has become less of a taboo and more of a frequent topic of conversation among me and my best girlfriends. I prefer my sex toy recommendations via word of mouth than internet reviews and there’s still something remarkably refreshing about your friends sending you a link to a unicorn wand and saying €œsaw this and thought of you.€ Basically, when one of your girls cites something as providing one of the best orgasms she’s ever given herself, you know I’m going to drop that hard earned dollar the same day. And you know what? She wasn’t wrong.

Daniel Bergner’s €œWhat Women Want€ argues against the idea that female sexuality is rational and civilised and more base, animalistic and completely and utterly carnal (something more akin to a stereotypical male sexuality.) Talk to any woman and she could tell you this . Lust is not driven by sensibility and measured life choices. It’s probably why feminist porn leaves me a little bit uninspired. My only pre-requisites are hot people having a good time. Then it’s just a case of trial and error. And sex has always been about a transference of power. I am not interested in watching people have this super fair and balanced sexy time because for me, that’s not sexy. Just having fun. That’s not too hard to ask for right? I’ve got a few close girlfriends that I’ll talk openly about what gets me off and what/who I like to watch (though this info is more likely to come out after a few glasses of wine) but we’re not exactly at the point where we’re sharing links. Too intimate? Too weird? Of everything else we share – why does this seem like a bridge too far? I’m calling bullshit.

Thankfully we’ve also now got sites like OMG yes which offers frank and candid discussions on masturbation, what gets yourself off and how to do it. This isn’t designed to titillate but inspire exploration and education, and fuck it, have fun with yourself. With the U.K government looking at bringing in new porn restrictions that read like they are designed to repress female sexuality (say goodbye to female ejaculation and anything that leaves a mark folks) – a site dedicated to all the fabulous and fantastic ways you can fuck yourself is damn refreshing. Want real stories of real women getting off? How To Make Me Come makes for an excellent lunch time read. We’ve got the internet now ladies, we are legit spoiled for choice. I mean, hell, we’ve got Dorian Electra singing about the magic and history of vibrators (complete with back up dancers dressed like giant vulvas equipped with wands.) That’s pretty fucking great.

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Wanking is one of the great joys in life. It’s free, it feels great and has the uncanny ability of helping you discover what you like and what you don’t. It makes sex better (whether you’re riding solo or with a partner) and provides a safe place to explore all those fun, dark and sticky fantasties of yours. So wank over porn, or not. Wank over your boyfriend, or girlfriend, or that really fucking cute waiter. Wank over nothing at all just because it’s hella fun. I say this with all the love in the world, seriously, go fuck yourself.

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