Picture this: you’re dancing, incredibly well (duh), in the club. You’re twerking your sweet ass off. You’re wearing a dress laden with tassels, potentially inspired by RiRi’s white tasselled trousers (the ones she wore during her grind-laden performance with Drake at The Brits). You look sensational. You are a sight to behold. The belle of the ball. The kween of the club. And then – oh god – a tassel gets caught on a bystander’s belt loop.
You become bound to him. He doesn’t realise. He unknowingly drags you for a few steps. All eyes are still on you. In one almighty motion, you release yourself from him and loose three rows of tassel in the process. You are mortified and, now, half naked. It’s like that dream you once had… except it happened. Sound familiar? Here are some other things you’ll recognise if you regularly don tasselled regalia…
You get caught on things. All. The. TIME! The last thing you got caught on was a door handle at work and you’re convinced you incurred whiplash in the process.
You get caught in things. Drastically different to getting caught on things. You regularly underestimate the potential reach of your tassels and find yourself half trapped in car doors and elevators. You fear for your life on a minutely basis.
When you twirl, you look like an angel. You move with the mesmerising elegance of a Betta fish (Google it), entrancing people with your gently swaying fringing. That is until you get trapped in a car door, ofc.
Windy weather is a nightmare. So many loose ends to control, so little know-how.
You look like a lampshade. Well, you don’t – you look babein’, natch – but your finery confuses the fuck out of people. “You look like my granny’s lampshade!”, they say. “Your granny must have one hell of a fine lampshade,” you reply. 💅
When you pull on a loose one, they all unravel. It’s like every game of Jenga you’ve ever played, except with tassels. All you can do is watch on in horror.
You accidentally dip them in the loo. It happens to the best of us. You gag a little as you lift them out and proceed to gag as you desperately dry them over the hand dryer.